I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
