then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
