raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
