my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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