can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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