I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
