i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And then he peed in my hair
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