My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
