Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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