he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
