So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
