Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize