If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
