how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
