It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
