Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
