Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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