If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
