her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize