Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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