I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
