oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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