chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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