I seem to have left my pride at pride
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
