I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
