Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
