Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
