Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
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I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!