Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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