I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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