im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We need a shit load of segways right now
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
