pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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