Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
