also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
