This girl is more easily done than said...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
