Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Someone shit on the floor
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
There's even glitter on my cock...
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