It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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