I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
