Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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