how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
