didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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