I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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