So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
