i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
