everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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