You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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