It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just made my gag reflex go away.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
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I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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