I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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