My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
