I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
