We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
