It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
