I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
