Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I could make wine with my vomit
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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