Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
