I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
