would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
im holly from the hills drunk
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
